Maybe this is my answer

I have been struggling with just about every aspect of my life lately. I can't seem to "de-stress" enough to keep me going, so I do nothing. Nothing gets finished, nothing gets done, nothing gets resolved, and my stress keeps piling up and up. I have tried to put it aside, but it seems like every time I do, something new comes up. Now I sound like I'm whining, but I really just wanted to say that I haven't done the things I know will help me the most. I haven't turned to prayer, I haven't exercised more, I haven't taken time for myself, and I haven't done any writing. This Saturday, Pam and I went to lunch for her birthday, and while talking to her I realized that I need to get back to basics. I need to do the things that have always brought me joy...and I need to allow myself to grieve for my mother. I've been trying to be tough these last few years, because I was afraid that I would lose what little control I have if I let go. What I really accomplished is that I am not in touch with me, and in doing that, I've distanced myself from my family and friends. I'm afraid to show emotion, because that seems weak. But it was great talking to Pam and renewing our friendship. I realized I need to be grateful for what I have. I am so blessed with such a good family. I have always had unbelievably good parents, grandparents, and siblings. I have such good children, and a husband who is proud of me...and I have the most beautiful grandchildren in all the world. (sorry guys, but that one is not negotiable!) I have a job that I love and I have opportunities just waiting for me.
I need to follow my mom's example and learn to be grateful for what I have, and not focus on the bad. I was thinking the other day about Christmas my senior year of high school. I wanted to make a poster of myself (only a little narcissistic:) for Mike (hs boyfriend) and so my dad went with me to the park to take tons of pictures of me swinging and sliding so I could get the right "fly-away" on my hair. I was thinking - "what other father of a teenage daughter would do that for her to give to her boyfriend" I tried to tell dad how much I appreciated that he was always there for me - and all of us - even when I was being a total dork, but I couldn't tell him without crying, so I didn't. But, we have all been blessed with our family. Anyway, I love you all! Even my little great-nieces and nephews :) and if I have learned one thing in all my too-many years, it's that no matter how often the down times are; there are always up times you just need the patience to be ready for them.

Sorry!!!

I told you I wouldn't always be able to write. It is end of level (we have 4 levels per term, 2 terms per semester, and three semesters per year) and I am swamped. I haven't even read my email for 3 days...sorry to all of you who wrote me. I love my job, but the first year is stressful with a lot of extra hours put in. I was here until 11:00 pm on Wed. I'm getting better though. Once I'm completely organized I'll be OK.
Love to you all!

...and round and round and round it goes...

I have never blogged before and I can't promise that I will keep it up, but I do want to author a book one day and I know that the best way to hone the skills I will need is to write every day. (How's that for my first run-on sentence?)
Anyway, I was reading Latu's blog about "small brother" and it reminded me of Chris, and me, and Pam, and...well, just about all of us at one time or another. What I really wanted to write about was another "Darlism." Friday night, Latu was at the house downloading church hymns to her i-Pod and she had on the song Come, Thou Fount sung by BYU Combined Choir. Soon after, Darl asked her if she could download that song to his i-Pod. Latu was touched and said "there's hope for him after all!" I just laughed knowing that there always has been hope :) Anyway, last night Vili asked me to get his clothes ready because he was going to church today. Darl's response? "Oh Dad, I'm so glad you're going to come to church tomorrow, because I made a life-changing decision last night. That song just...I don't know...it just touched my heart or something and I decided I am going to be a Mormon and I didn't want to go to church without you." I laughed and told him he already was a Mormon. He told me yeah, but now he was going because he wanted to. Needless to say, I had to turn away quickly so he didn't see the tears. I said a quick, silent prayer of thanks to my Heavenly Father for continuously blessing me even when I don't deserve it. (Later I asked Him to thank mom, grandparents, and Lile also)
It also made me sad, because my second thought was that I wanted to call mom and tell her. Then I realized I couldn't and I couldn't breath for a few minutes. I miss you mommy!